Thursday, October 18, 2007

i just copied this from my myspace and pasted it here.... nuin.... lookin back through all the entries i made in here i felt like putting this in here too.... hehehehe. memories dat will never be erased.

NOW....... im in a relationship again... and i dunno wat i feel or wat to feel towards him. At first i didn't like him at all... i had to force myself to like him and i did... i've grown to like him, he'd tell meeh dat he love me... and because im a straight up bitch to him.... i always rubbed it in his face that i don't love him even in front of our friends. i'd always get into fight with him for no fuckin reason at all. i'd always break up with him and he'd always ask meeh back out. SOOO... then there came da "real" break up.... wen we both decided to break up.... i dunno wat i was up to at the time... i had no pains, worries or anything like dat at all. I just didn't give a damn about the whole break up thing and him. But there came my confusing mind and feelings telling me dat i want him back and dat i love him. Made me do things dat i never ever fucking thought i'd do in my whole entire life!!!!  FUCK!!! shiet i dunno wat was wrong with me, i dunno if it was even me. (Fucking alcohol fucks u really bad... i dun recommend you drinkin wen ur confuse about the opposite sex, theres always a bad outcome wen it comes to dat.) I talked to him the night before i've totally lost my mind. I told him dat if meeh and him could talk, just to really put a period on everything. I knew dat i was only gon talk to him about how i really felt inside during our relationship, all i wanted to do was to confess to him, coz at least he'd knoe wat i really felt about him. It wasn't in my mind to get back with him at all, not even a bit!!!!! I talked to my two closest guy friends... who changed my mind and gave meeh the strength to get back with him. I told them wat i really felt about him, dat i was such a liar to him telling him dat i didn't love him... i guess i sounded like i wanted to get back with him until it came out of my mouth dat i wanted to get back with him. Even though at the back of my head... i didn't want to get back with him but then at the same time i felt like i needed to.

The night i planned on tokin to him, i was drinkin... not because i was depress or anything like dat... i just felt like drinking with my cuzins... then after prolly 2 hours i changed my mind and i told myself dat i didn't want to talk to him anymore... i thought it'd be pointless, soo i told myself, just let it all be. After drinking sooo much, we went to my friend's house and then BOOM!!!! fuck i got sooo fuckin drunk!!!!! it hit me right there.... i passed out and started crying like a fuckin baby!!! i asked him to get back with me, i was sooo emotional, i was sooo fuckin angry at him, at everything! i didn't knoe who i was tokin to, i didn't knoe wat i was doing, i didn't knoe wat i was saying. I started to sober up a lil bit... i knew dat i had done crazy shit dat night... i felt like regretting... i was sooo confuse... i didn't knoe if the words that were coming out of my mouth was for real, i knew dat i wasn't thinkin wen i was tokin. I dunno. I got home dat night... feeling sooo much better, i felt like i didn't need to regret everything i did dat night, feeling good, dat i finally told him wat i really felt about him. He told me, dat i prolly just missed him... wen he told me dat... i started to think dat maybe i really did just miss him. That night i was able to sleep right away without anything in my head, i thought i wasn' t going to. Morning came... i called him to just apologize to him, because i had slapped him so much... i just i hoped dat it didn't come to dat point wer i had to be violent... i apologized to him. We talked and talked dat morning... it was a long time of talking... it felt good. But i knew dat was d end for real... and i accepted it. I told him dat i was gon drink again dat same day just for fun with my mom... and he offered to buy the drinks... and he offered to drink with me. I said ok. We kept talking and he said dat he misses me, dat everything i did dat one night was unbelieveable because he too thought dat i was never gon do such thing. We met up dat same day after work i sacrificed not going to homecoming because i wanted to tok to him again. He gave me signs and told meeh things that he also wanted to get back with me. I didn't force him to. We went to a hotel, we drank and talked. He took me back because he love me, he said. I told him i love him back. We got back together, now we're back to wer we used to be. We're happy i guess... i think we are... i ask him if he's happy with me and he asks me da same thing and i tell him dat i am.

But today.... fuck!!!! i dunno wats inside my head. I duno if i love him or not... i think i just say dat i love him because i want to be with him. But i really dun knoe if i love him or not. Man i dun fuckin knoe wat i want right now. today we were at da park playing... we were having so much fun, we were saying i love yous to each other... but at the same time i dunno if i was saying dat coz i really love him or im just happy to be with him or is it because im so used to being with him all the time. Yeah im happy rye now but i have doubts on weather i really love him or not. So many things have already happened, and i can't handle all of it anymore. Now this shit is fucking my mind... i dunno wat to do... i guess i shud just really reflect on myself and see if im really happy to be in this relationship, see if this whole thing is worth it, and see if i really love him. I mean honestly i have never in my life been sooo confused wen it comes to relationship. This one... i really dunno wat i want... am i happy because he's too fuckin nice??? i guess soo.... but do i love him??? i dunno. We've said i love yous to each other, but it didn't feel like it was realy and didn't feel like it came from da heart. I guess i just said those things coz i was scared to lose him. I mean hey it's my first time... sooo might as well let it happen and i'll do watever it takes to make all these confuse-ness go away. We're still together..... and watever happens next.

Saturday, July 29, 2006